I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
