He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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