Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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