I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Less talking, more tequila
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Two words: blizzard sex
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
