I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
