if only i could text you this smell
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
