she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
