He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
im on a boat
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