I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
