i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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