why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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