I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
