Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Randomize
