Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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