Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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