DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
