my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize