wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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