If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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