dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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