i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
