Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
