Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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