I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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