so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
