Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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