If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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