i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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