I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
