life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
