and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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