he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
