It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
