I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm both gender and math confused
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
