I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
is wine microwaveable?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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