Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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