My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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