I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he fucked my hip out of place.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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