i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
