my phone needs a breathalizer
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
