Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
