she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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