So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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