if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
