Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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