apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
