I feel great
I just peed on a car
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
