I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
