he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
