It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i think i have two assholes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
