I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
